Don't hate me...but I'm not sorry.

So...I lied. All is not as well as I led you to believe. I'm a horrible selfish person. I was going away for the weekend and I wanted to feel ...healthy. Even if it is an illusion.
So, the real story. I have what my doctor is calling "glow worms". Two of them. They are hot spots that showed up on my PET scan. Once again...this doesn't necesarily mean it's cancer. However, one of them is glowing more than it did at my last PET. That is the problem "glow worm"... ... I have named him Bob. Bob could be other things, it could be the fungus. Which isn't as prevelent as I made it sound, but Bob could be one. Or something else entirely. We don't know. And we wont know with out a biopsy. So, in 6 weeks...more like 5 weeks now.... I will be going back for another CT scan. If the lymph node grows then they will send me for a chest biopsy. We'll wait and see till then.
The results are still inconclusive, we've just stepped up the worry level a little. I would have posted this originally, but I wanted this last weekend before I started my 6 weeks of panic. Letting it out would have made me think about it. My sisters didn't even know. I told them before we got home. I'm not sure they are talking to me. I can't say that I'm sorry...cause I'm not. I didn't do this to make sure they had a pleasant, unruined weekend...I did it for me. I'm selfish that way.
And I really did have a great weekend. Shopping, dinner out, games, tennis, massage, and rock wall climbing. I can't give you anymore details than that. It was a girls weekend out and what happened in Cape Cod stays in Cape Cod. Ok. Back to class.
I'm sorry for the confusion even if I'm not sorry for the lie.
-Elizabeth

Maybe all is well...

Wow. That didn't sound confident. So, I went back for my PET scan today, and then met with my doctor. Yes, there was some elevated activity in a lymph node. But that doesn't neccesarily mean that it's cancer. It could be the left over tissue disipating or it could be a fungal infection. Apparently that happens a lot. Anyway though, it's not a pressing matter and we have adopted the wait and see approach. I will continue to go for my scans and if there are changes in the size towards the smaller we won't worry, if it is towards the larger...then we will reassess. But in the mean time my doctor is confident that it is nothing to be concerned about. So, thanks for the pleasant thoughts. They worked much better this time. Now, I have to pack as I am dissapearing for the weekend. We are kidnapping Carol for her birthday. I'd tell you where we are going, but it's a surprise and carol checks the blog.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. - Elizabeth

Once more...with feeling.

So. Your good thoughts were obviously not enough. I went through the lovely hassle of the CT scan and I still have to go back for a PET. And the morning started off so well...
Mom and I stopped by a deli on the way and picked up a sandwich so I could eat something after the scan. (Remember this is one of those where they starve you for a few hours.) Anyway, I arrived on time and was immediatly order to drink the 2 large containers of Redi-cat. Last time I had it it was lemon flavored. This time it was "mixed berry." There was no difference. I swear mixed berry tastes the same as lemon. Anyway, after chugging that over a 15 minute period and trying not to hurl on the nurse who kept telling me to "hurry and finish", I had mom fill out the paper work. This was the first time I had a CT scan at the facility. My last one was at Putnam. So, I go in. I change into the gown. I finish chugging the sludge. And then I spend 20 minutes trying to control my need to vomit while I wait for the nurse to come and get me. Once they get me into the room with the CT scan low and behold,...there is another glass of the sludge waiting for me. They said that I just needed to have a couple swallows to make sure that I'm all "coated". I swear, no one needs these images in their mind. They ran a couple of scans with out the contrast and then they ran a few more with the contrast coming in through an IV. Which believe it or not was the more pleasant part of the experience. For the first few scans I was freezing, then they dump the contrast into your blood stream and you start to feel all warm and fuzzy.
After the scans were done, I went upstairs for my appointment with Dr. Ahmed. While we were waiting I got my port flushed. For the first time in months, it didn't give the nurses trouble. Both sites went in clean and gave blood. The heparin went in and I was out in less than 5 minutes. I should have known things were going too well.
Dr. Ahmed wasn't going to be in until the afternoon so we had quite the wait ahead of us, but Denise the nurse practitioner took us early. She ran down to look at the scans and we waited in the office. When she walks in the first thing she says is " I don't want you to be concerned but"...
TO LATE.!!. I'm sorry but that is really not the way to open a conversation.
As it turns out, there are some large nodes that have them concerned. They can't quite tell if they are left over from the cancer and just haven't disipated yet, or if they are active sites. So....I head back in tomorrow afternoon for a PET scan to see if they are hot spots or risidual scar tissue.
...
but I'm not panicked.
...
So anyway. Lets try this again shall we. Positive thougths people. Once more...with feeling.
-Elizabeth

I'm a bad bad person.

I know. It's been a while...Ok it's been nearly a month. And now, as if it's not bad enough that I waited forever to update, I'm going to be whining about the future instead of updating you on the past three weeks.
On Wednesday I'm going to go in for a CT scan. Now I know that I had the PET/CT a month after I finished chemo. But half a me feels like that was a given. I mean. After a month we hope nothing has happen. But now, it's been three months since that scan and four months since my last chemo. Something could have shown up by now. Don't give me those looks...I'm NOT being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. There IS a chance. I don't think it has happened, but that doesn't stop the fear now does it?
I really don't want to think about. I'm wicked nervous and would prefer to just get it overwith, but talking/writing about it doesn't seem to be helping. Anyway, I'm just asking for some support is all. And to keep the masses happy, I'll let you know about the past couple of weeks.

Classes have been going well, nothing much to report there. They are interesting and I definately think that they will be helpful, but I am finding that I am having some trouble handling the chemo brain. (It's OK. Laugh. I have trouble saying it without snickering) It isn't as if the classes are difficult, it's the whole short term memory loss thing. Trying reading an article or a chapter in a text and then trying to have a discussion about it later but you can't remember any of it. That's an exageration, but it makes it difficult to contribute.

As far as my weekends, on the 16th and 17th I went with the church Youth Group on a camping trip in Fahnestock. It was actually pretty fun. I got to meet a lot of the kids I would be working with this coming year and I led one of the hikes around Pelton Pond. The kids were also great. The younger kids got their first taste of youth group discussions and were able to look to the older kids as role models. I think that this is going to be a good bunch of kids.
The next weekend (23 and 24) was mom's B'day weekend. On Saturday, which was mom's b'day I had everyone over to the house for a birthday breakfast...yes me. I got up early (stop laughing) and made homemade waffles (knock that off). Drew and Erica were in for the morning and I put them to work on setting the table and cooking bacon. Carol made a great egg dish and Kat brought over a ton of fresh fruit. (Don't roll your eyes. I may not have cooked it all but I organized. Which means it was all about me. ...And mom) On that Sunday we headed off to Jersey for a visit with Drew's family. (By "all" I mean...Carol, Zachary, Matthew, Marta, Steve, Mom, Dad and me. Erica and Drew were already there.) Half the group headed for shopping while the younger ones (Drew, Erica, Zachary, Matthew and myself) went to mini-golf. I lost miserably. (That's right, even the kids beat me. Now you have permission to laugh) I blamed my lack of concentration on chemo brain (Hey it's my new excuse.) Then everyone met back up at the house for dinner. Huge group, but we managed to seat everyone. It was a really nice day.

This past weekend I went to Julie's wedding. For those who haven't been paying attention, Julie is my best friend from college. She and Brendan got married on Saturday. The ceremony was short, but very, very sweet. It was outside at a country club in Rehoboth MA. I dragged Zach Arnold along with me as driver and small talk maker. (I'm not so good with the small talk, but when Zach puts his mind to it he can be quite charming) While there, I met up with another friend that I went to school with. It was really a nice evening until I got a headache. (No. I didn't drink to much) Even with the headache it was a great night. On Sunday Zach and I came back and the rest of the day was finishing up some work for my classes.
So ...there you are. All caught up. Hope you all remember the postive thoughts for me on Wednesday. Later - Elizabeth