Guilt Trip

Today's chemo went well. However, I am doing a special last day of chemo, final push for Relay for Life guilt trip. If you have already given money, pass this on to someone who doesn't know about the blog and convince them to give. For those of you who have a legit reason for not giving (and by legit I mean your broke and living on the streets in a cardboard box) you too are assigned the job of passing the blog on to someone new and urging them to give. For the rest of you who have not given for some other reason...pay attention.

As I was sitting in chemo today, I was watching my little sister Erica. I think she mentally rolls her eyes when I say that. I call her my little sister, she’s 24.. I just have a hard time remembering that. Until today. I sat there watching her. She is so grown up. Sometimes she just floors me with the things she knows. I’m smart. Not so much with the common sense, but I know that I’m intelligent. That when forced to I could learn pretty much anything that I want, but Erica…she’s a whole other league. Sometimes she talks about what she does in a lab or studies in her classes and I …I just sit there and nod because I have NO clue as to what she is saying.

For the longest time we used to tease Erica that she was just a little Katrina clone, (people..they look exactly alike. You know it…I know it. Moving on) But, no offense to Katrina, she kicks both of our butts. She has all of Katrina’s focus. When Erica needs to she can buckle down and get the job done. But then she got my ability to say “enough”. She knows how to say “no”. How to make the hard decisions. She has Carol’s caring, and she has even snuck in some of Paul’s wicked sense of humor. (Although I have to admit that I grabbed almost all the rest of Paul’s humor) She is the best qualities of all of her siblings rolled into one person with out any of our neurosis. And as I watched her today, as she sat there reading my Jon Stewart book, I couldn’t help but think, that it could have been her. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my siblings, all of their spouses and all of my friends that I consider siblings. But for the most part they are all older than me and Erica is the baby. She, …I can actually see a small reflection of me …in her. And it makes me so proud that she found anything in me worth emulating. And this could have been her. For so very many reasons that would have been wrong.

But ignoring the fact that she is my sister and everything good that I can think of, do you want to know the real reason it would have been so wrong? The reason that I keep hidden? I love Erica to death, but love doesn’t stop cancer. Erica might. So here is where the guilt tripping comes in full force.

Do I agree with the Cancer Society party line? Do I know if there is a “cure for cancer”? No. I’m not sure I believe that you can cure a mutation of cells growing out of control. Cells mutated all the time. They just usually get destroyed. I’m not sure if you can stop something like that. I know, not the standard Cancer Society line. But I’m not done yet.

There may not be a cure. But, damn it, there has got to be better treatments. CHOP is not fun. It sucks. It kicks my ass. But there are worse treatments out there. I may look like death warmed over when I stumble my way out of chemo. I may turn an ashy grey color when I emerge from my “chemo-hangover-cocoon” 6 days later. But there are people who can’t move. Who can’t hold their head up, lift their arm, …walk. I know I have said this before but I really want to drive the point home. Chemo poisons your body. It is poison. It is designed to kill cells. It’s why I have no immune system, no energy…no hair. There are people who are so sick with the cancers by the time they are diagnosed that they can not do chemo. It would kill them. Can you imagine that?

It took 11 months of doctor visits before I finally noticed a lump. Imagine it was a different type of cancer. I did everything right. I went to the doctors. But for certain cancers that long would have been a death sentence. Getting to an oncologist 11 months in …there might be nothing that they could do. I lucked out.

I am grateful that chemo exists, don’t get me wrong. I am appreciative. But once again. There has got to be something better. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for my family to watch me go through this. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to watch them if the roles had been reversed, and God willing, I hope I will never have to find out. But I know that I could not,..could not have done this with out them. My family is large and noisy …and my world. The thought of trying to do this alone, with out their support is unimaginable. And yet every two weeks, I watched, without fail, as people walked into chemo. Got their treatments and made a call to have a taxi come and pick them up to take them home. I chatted with people who have a pre chemo routine of preparing dinners for themselves so they will only have to stick the food in the microwave at mealtimes because they know they will be to sick to cook for themselves and no one else is doing it for them. I met a man who had to give his dog away. A dog he had had 9 years, because he couldn’t walk her anymore and there was no one else he could ask. There was a woman just today. She does the same chemo I do, gets the same shots that I get, and was supposed to get her final chemo today. Just like me. However, her blood counts were to low. The chemo would have done massive harm. Same medicines, different results. With all that the doctors know, in the end you just don't know if it will work. And she was by herself. I would have had a breakdown. Final chemo and you have to wait because your counts aren't right? It would have hurt me so much to have to put this off. But at least I would have been with my mother and sister. She was alone.

So, do I think there is a cure? I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. Or a researcher. So I can’t buy into that particular party line of the Cancer Society. But I do know that while they are looking for the cure they are also looking for better treatments and giving support to those who need it.
That’s why I give. Because I’m not going to find a better treatment. I’m not in a lab. But Erica will be. And I’m waiting for the day she comes to me and says, “Hey Liz! I have the most exciting news. We found a new treatment that is just as effective as chemo but improves the quality of life for the patient.” It may be a silly dream, but I refuse to use my usual self-derogatory humor to call it sad or insignificant. It is an important dream to me. To those who have been though this…you already know. To those who are living this with me…you’re learning. Researchers need the money to do their jobs and the Cancer Society needs the money to help provide support and information to those going through this.

I will continue to look for new ways for me to help those with cancer, but as of right now, with the state I am in and the energy levels I have, my biggest contribution is coming in the form of this guilt trip. I can’t do much to help right now, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to make it around the track once, but I can ask you for your help. So that is what I’m doing. And to prove my purely non-selfish motivations, I have included the links to both Mom and Carol’s Relay for Life pages, so I don’t even want the credit. Just help. If you don’t want to give online, you can email me at ebauerlein@yahoo.com, and I will gladly give you information about other options. Pass the blog along. Let a stranger read it. Encourage them to give. The Relay isn't until Saturday.

So one or two final parting shots. I will give you my only words of wisdom, thus saving you the trouble of going through cancer and doing your own soul searching. Appreciate the little things. A walk in the woods, a dinner with your family, a movie night with friends…they might not always come as easily as they do right now.

Oh and here’s a first for you. I’m not going to push for comments.

With the hopes that you will never have to go through this - Elizabeth

This is it. Number 6

Thank God it's almost over.

More later.
-Elizabeth

Sneaking around.

Shhh. You have to be quiet. I’m at Marta and Steve’s and they are determined to put their two cents into the blog tonight. I’m hiding out in the garage. I told them I left a bag in the car. It’s not that I would mind them adding to the blog, it’s just that I’m afraid of what they would say. Actually, just Steve. I don’t trust him. I know he comes off all sweet and innocent, but he’s not.

Oh there you are Elizabeth….I was wondering why the light was on in the garage (Marta pauses to read what was already written) hey! Be nice to my Stevie. He got you hooked to the internet afterall! And he shared his pasta with you too. But he should not have given you that coffee… makes you too hyper.

Am not. I don’t do hyper. I’m …multi-tasking. Besides, I’m on a roll. I have been on this weird reverse schedule. I’m awake at night and asleep during the day. Like last night, I was awake at 2 AM, got bored and started painting. Then at 7…know what. I have to go back to two days ago. So. Remember the pain from the hiking? Yeah. That really hit full force on Thursday night. My parents and Drew went to bed early so they could leave at 7 to drive to Chapel Hill. Which was fine with me. Sci-fi has some of their best shows on at 1 and 2 in the morning. I really did try to sleep, but Tylenol was not cutting it for my muscles. Loved the fresh air, but my body hated the hike. So I didn’t get to sleep all night. I just laid in bed, moaning in pain. OK, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I heard the rest of the house get up and leave in the morning, but I didn’t emerge until noonish. I had been woken up by the phone. I didn’t actually jump up to get it, cause my body wouldn’t let me, but it woke me none the less. When I finally did manage to make my way up the stairs (stairs – I hate stairs – they are the bane of every chemo patient) there were 3 messages on the answering machine.

[Mechanical Answering Machine Voice] “You have three new messages. First message.”
(beep) “Hi, EJ. It’s mom. Just making sure you took your morning pills. I guess your not up yet up. I’ll try again in a half hour.”
[MAMV] “Second new message.”
(beep) Hey. It’s me again. Are you in the shower? I’ll try again in a bit.”
[MAMV] “Third new message.”
(beep) “Hey. Know what? Just give me a call when you get this.”

Give her a call. I’ll give her a call alright. So, I was a little short with her when we spoke. She informed me that she would call again in the evening. Supposedly to let me know that they had arrived safely.

Now Elizabeth, we all know you are a big girl and can take care of yourself for a day or two….did you wash your hands when you used the potty? You know you are supposed to.

Ok. That requires some explaining. I ALWAYS wash my hands and yet, since I started chemo, my mother has felt obligated to remind me to do this every time I head to the bathroom. She even sent Marta after me once to remind me. Uh. Huh. Everyone thinks I’m a big girl. Right. (Sarcasm)

After the phone calls I had a pretty relaxing day. Much sleeping and some time outside. But then night fell again. Mom called. There were words. And then Mom hung up on me. Apparently I am not the most hospitable person on the phone. Oops. Needless to say my, now, wired mental state and all day nap-a-thon, left me unable to sleep last night as well. So at about 2 in the morning I dug out a painting that I had finished a few months ago and started tweaking it. Tweaking isn’t exactly the word. I wasn’t really happy with it so I painted the whole thing over. In fact, the painting is for a blogger follower. Jules - I redid your wedding present. Hey, did I mention that Julie is getting married? When I found out I started working on a painting for her. It has now completely changed and needs to dry. But it looks good.

Anyway the painting put me into an artsy mood and I dragged out my sketch pad to bring to Marta and Steve’s. I went in search of my pencils, but I think that the nephews may have “borrowed” them. No biggie. I decided to pick up more.

My invalid status guaranteed me the right to a chauffer, so at 4ish Steve came and picked me up. I then had him drive me to AC Moore for some sketching supplies and then we made our way up to Lagrangeville.

Now, I can’t miss out on an opportunity to make fun of Steve. So, you get to hear all about the “Great Puppy Controversy.” While in the car I got a call from John and Amy Sayegh. There taking a two day vacation and wanted to know if I could puppy sit. While my immediate response would have been “Of course. Yes. Please.” I had to check with Marta and Steve - or at least Steve who I was with at the time. (Starts to pout) He said “NO.” He was apparently worried about his new hard wood floors. (And also a little worried about making the decision with out his wife’s approval. Yeah. He’s whipped) So instead I pouted all the way to the house, and subtly mentioned the puppy issue to Marta who proceed to chew Steve out for not saying yes to taking Daisy. (The dog) So, to make the story short. We’re pretty sure that the puppy is coming tomorrow.

There’s not really much else to tell. I talked with Marta and sketched her wood-burning stove. (It’s very cool looking) Then we had dinner and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which remind us both how much we loved having a large and nosy…I mean noisy family. Provided their not calling on the phone 6 times in one day.

OK> On to the peanut gallery.

1.Dillon – welcome. Ignore the controversy you have caused. My followers don’t mean to be rude and sarcastic. They are just a little jealous. There is usually a fight for the first post and you managed to nab it first time. Well done. Ohh. And ignore Katrina. She’s just bitter that she only has one first post AND she missed out on having the first comment for the entire blog. (I gave her the opportunity to comment as soon as I started the blog, but Katrina has issues with “technology”. She and it don’t get along.) However, they are not all against you. Diane was welcoming. Hey, by the way. How did you stumble upon my little blog?

2.Katrina – PLAY NICE! If Dillon does not come back I blame you. The family understands your snarky ways. Others have to be indoctrinated slowly. However, I do agree with you that Janette, Carol and Marta should be ashamed of themselves for not commenting in a timely manner. Slackers. Oh. And Kathy wants you to call her. (See comments)

3.Karen – Steve has asked that I issue a reprimand. He is very upset to be the brunt of your confectionary jokes. He feels that these joke portray him in an unfavorable light. (And not light in sugar. – Steve) Aww. Steve is whiny.

4. David – You should know better than to post spelling and grammar mistakes. Me – they have given up on me. But the rest of you, the spelling/grammar police (AKA Katrina) is out there. And she is watching.

On to the reminders. Give me money. Or rather give it to Relay for Life on my page. (See above link on right) It is for a good cause and I get the credit. Woo hoo me.

All right. I think that’s it. You can all go now. Dismissed. - Elizabeth

Drew’s not funny.

For those who don’t know, Drew is my sister, Erica’s boyfriend. He and my parents are going to Chapel Hill tomorrow to pick Erica up and bring her home. (Gives an excited smile and claps her hands in enthusiasm.) However, while the rest of the family is off gallivanting in North Carolina, I have somehow been maneuvered into a weekend at Marta and Steve’s. I don’t think they trust me home alone. When Drew found this out he started laughing. Hence today’s title – Drew is NOT funny.
Anyway, after yesterday’s argument with my body (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then check back one day) we have not been on speaking terms. In fact, we had a big argument today. I said hey let’s get up and move and my body said no. Then it started to whine and complain. Apparently, my little jaunt in the woods yesterday with Brian pissed it off. (And once again Elizabeth learns a valuable lesson about what one can and can not do while on chemo.)
Even with our disagreement, my body and I managed to work together long enough to start planning our summer project. My father recently finished a path in our woods. He’s been working on the thing for three years so he’s kind of excited. (Of course, if he moved more than one shovel full of gravel a day it probably would have gone a bit quicker.) I have decided that the path needs some gardens. I am currently planning out a rock garden. Chuck was over earlier so I was able to convince him to do some heavy lifting for me. It was nice. I spent an hour outside bossing chuck around and he got to put of grading English papers. It was a win-win.
That’s really all I have for today. But a couple of quick notes.
Janette – Yes. I am in desperate need of a boat trip. Unfortunately, I don’t see it happening until after St. John’s when I am sure that I won’t hurl all over the new boat.
Stefan – it’s great hearing from you. When are you coming in?
To all those who have asked after him – Phil is doing fine. I still haven’t managed to kill him. He’s a tough little bugger.
It’s only 8 days until the Relay for Life. Don’t forget to donate on my site. And if you’re interested feel free to stop by. It’s a fun day and the luminary ceremony is very moving. You can click on my profile to get my email address and I’ll send you directions.
Leave me comments. I’m starved for comments.
I think that’s it.
Later - Elizabeth

My mom called me shallow.

More on that later.
I know. I haven’t been updating. However, this is not because I’m lazy. My body is just really pissed off at me. It is angry and complaining. It has been making it very difficult to function without hurling. So don’t blame me. Not my fault.
[This is Elizabeth’s body. I resent the fact that she blames this entire thing on me. I’m not the one who decided we should spend ALL of Sunday standing around. Two church services – just because it was youth Sunday. That wasn’t necessary. And then she had to go and do that choir concert – more standing! She’s lucky I’m only a little pissed at her. So… she spends a few day suffering. She has to worry for a little while about whether I will reject her lame attempts at appeasement. “Oh. We get to take a nap. Woo hoo.” Maybe we wouldn’t need to sleep for three days straight if she hadn’t kept us up. And then with compazine…of course we’re going to be a little more tired with the non-hurling meds. Did she really think that she wouldn’t have to pay a price for what ..]
Hey! Enough!
(Gives an angry glare at her alter ego for monopolizing her blog.)
So, maybe I over did it a little.
[A little?]
Yes! A little. I got up earlier than usual. Yes. And I spent to long at church. ..Know what. Just let me go through the whole thing. On Saturday I got up earlier than usual. We had rehearsal for the choir concert. That went Okay…ish. I was nauseas for most of it. And Scott (choir director) had us all standing. I actually felt bad for the Hinz’s (Winnie and Kristin, although I guess Kristin is really a former Hinz/Bisbee. Anyway.) They had the unlucky misfortune of standing in front of me for the rehearsal. And then Scott insisted that I sing my song as one of the firsts. My compozine had not kicked in yet. Let me tell you. The Hinz’s were very lucky that I didn’t hurl all over them. Then there was the small problem with me not actually having learned my song yet. (oops) So, I kind of fudged my way through it. After that I went home and slept. Did I mention that the compazine makes me sleepy? …good. Just checking.
That night my parents went out with some of their friends to see “The Divinci Code”. Interestingly enough, I was invited along. However, I didn’t feel like being the 9th wheel of my mother’s geriatric group. (Now you may wonder why I would make such an insensitive remark on the blog when you know that my mother and her friends read this. Here’s the thing. They already know about this comment. My mother shared with them and I have been significantly chewed out by her friends for calling them geriatrics. I also explained that the joke was really more towards my mother and father and the rest were merely caught in the crossfire. (Smiles meekly) Yea. They didn’t buy it either.)
It’s an excellent thing I didn’t go with them. They didn’t get in until 1. Honestly, haven’t they ever heard of a curfew?
The next morning was Youth Sunday. I’m still not exactly sure how I got roped into that one. I teach 1 Sunday school class and somehow I’m stuck helping them organize their day. It went pretty well. Their sermon was funny and, for the most part, the services went off with out a hitch. The kids really did a great job. Of course the one large joke we had didn’t go over. The sermon was supposed to be part of a lock-in/ sleepover at the church. So, all the kids showed up in PJ’s. As well as Katrina, Chuck and myself. No one got it. However, it was probably the most comfortable I have felt in awhile. PJ’s, slipper socks and a bathrobe. It was great. However, I was so worried about the kids messing up that I didn’t sit. I stood with Katrina at the back of the church, with the ushers. It was my job to train them. They did a good job.
In the end, I had been standing for about 5 hours. Then I ran home got a 45 minute nap, changed and ran back to church for concert rehearsal.
I think I probably scared Scott. There is this high note at the end of my piece that I was having trouble hitting during rehearsal. I told him I would hit it when it counted but he got this panicked look on his face. It really isn’t my fault. We had only done the Regina Ciale at that point and as much as I like the piece, it’s not much of a warm up. The concert went well. Katrina and Stacy did the Laudamus Te. Vinnie Tippa did the solo for Libera Me. And I lucked out and got to sing in English, Ride the Chariot. Overall the concert was very successful.
Then Monday came. Not only was I going through my usual prednisone withdrawal, but I also had my body punishing me for Sunday’s activities. Punishing me all of Monday, Tuesday and today. All though it’s not as bad today. In fact, Katrina was here this afternoon when I woke up and mom, Katrina and I had a very nice chat. I almost felt social. In fact, I was feeling pretty good up until mom told me I looked shallow. She meant to say sallow. However, having you all think that my mother called me shallow is pretty funny. Anyway it was mom’s way of telling me I look like crap. Like I can’t tell from looking at my own corpse like complexion in the mirror. I need to have her remind me that I look like death warmed over. I think that I’m just going to start referring to the Monday and Tuesday after chemo as my grey period.
Hmmm…what else happened.
Oh. I went with cousin Brian to Fahnestock park. I was just going to show him which camp ground he wanted for his trip in June, but we ended up taking a hike to the Iron ore mine shaft. Most exercise that I’ve had in a month. But it was fun anyway.
I think that’s all I’ve got for you.
That and I’m tired of writing.
Later - Elizabeth

So..my mother did a pretty good job.

I should let her do this more often.
This has not been a good chemo cycle so far. Besides being very weak, I am also sick to my stomache and the new meds that they gave me make me sleepy. So. I'm just going to quickly go over some things.
Chemo went well. There really wasn't anything new or interesting. My sister Carol and my cousin Sue came with me. Mom was working the school board vote. (Which by the way was shot down. Honestly people. It's going to cost that much more to have a second vote. There is a little bit of rain and all the Yes votes decide to stay home. I went and voted and I just had chemo. Shame people. Shame) Anyway, mom not being there didn't stop her from checking in. She was on her third call to carol when i finally called her and left a voice mail for her to stop calling. It worked. The first part of chemo was me finishing up reading my new favorite book. "America: the Book" I love Jon Stewart. Anyway, it turned into a read aloud session that kept Carol, Sue and myself occupied for most of the pre chemo. I fell asleep for the chemo itself. When I was finally done and stood up, I think that's when I noticed that this was worse. I felt very weak. And the fun neuropathy. (Say it with me now. Neurrrrrroopathy. It's just fun to say.) This led to mom typing up my blog.
On to Wednesday.
I did my usual post chemo debrief at Amy's and while I was there I played with her new puppy. It was actually very relaxing. I also used the jacuzzi and watched a movie. Then, it was time for my shot. By the time we got to the doctor's office I was feeling really punky. I got my shot and then they perscribed compozine (i don't think i spelled that right. but i'm too lazy to go upstairs and check the spelling) This lovely little wonder drug makes me not want to hurl. For that, I am eternally grateful. It does however, make me very tired. I think I have slept more in this past week then the last two weeks combined. Not to mention, I still feel aweful. I think that it's normal. Denise, the nurse practitioner, said something to this effect, but I was a little out of it, and not really paying attention. Something along the lines of chemo being a cumulative effect and each one being worse. Thank god I only have one left.
I got home and slept forever. Thrusday was pretty much the same thing. I'm fighting the sleepiness today. Mostly because I'm starting to freak people out enough by not blogging that they are calling to make sure that I am okay. I did watch CSI last night. Great episode. I think that's all i got for now. So, some quick notes.
1. The choir concert is on Sunday at 4. If your interested in music you should come. And bring money, because Katrina is organizing a bakesale for afterwards, the proceeds of which will go to American Cancer Society.
2. If you don't want to come to the concert but wish you could have donated $50 or $60 in exchange for a cookie, you could instead go to my Relay for Life link and donate there. If you really want, I'll mail you a cookie.
3. My turtle Phil likes cooked chicken. I know this is an odd thing to post, but I was begining to worry because he wouldn't eat anything. Now i am less worried.
4.Finally...post comments. I'm in need of comments.
Ok. That's all. - Elizabeth

Mom's Turn

Do you all know what peripheral neuropathy is? Well, we are learning. Oh, I guess you should all know that this blog is being typed and written by Elizabeth's mom. She is not up to blogging her fans, but wants you to know that she survived another chemo day....but just barely. Tonight she is nauseous, cannot feel her fingers, has a headache, joint pain, etc.....but other than that, all is well. She just gave me the thumbs up sign and I'm glad that she used her thumb...oh, oh, there is her fist. She has taken her medications for this evening (6 pills) and hopefully will sleep and feel better in the AM. Thanks to sister Carol and cousin Susan for accompanying her to chemo today and Amy for providing dinner. By the way, peripheral neuropathy is tingling in the fingers that prevent her from typing. Sure hope the chemo doesn't effect her voice because this Sunday at 4:00PM, she is part of the choral concert at Grace Lutheran Church in Yorktown Hts. Come one and all and hear Elizabeth with a solo and Katrina and friend Stacy, doing a duet. The admission price is $10.00 and the concert will be well worth it, if we can judge by the Christmas concert.
Elizabeth is questioning why I would think that peripheral neuropathy would affect her voice, but thinks I merely wanted to plug the concert. True, True, True. She just gave me a Bronx cheer. Ok folks, I'm not as creative as she is, so you will have to wait until tomorrow to hear directly from Elizabeth. Mrs. B

All right, boys and girls. I'm off to chemo number 5

Carol and Sue will be coming with me this week. Mom is working the polls for the budget vote. I'll write up a nice long blog while I'm there. -Elizabeth

Happy Mother’s Day

So, here you go - a sentimental rambling in honor of my mother.


My mother. My first memory of my mother is vague. I know I was in the water. I know that I already knew how to swim. But my mother was holding me anyway. It is probably the safest I have ever felt. The kind of safety that only children feel. I was in the water and I didn’t need to have my mother hold me, but I wanted her to. And she did. And I felt safe.

I wish you all a mother that makes you feel safe.

I remember when I was 11 years old. On my birthday, at a church picnic, I fell and lacerated my liver. I spent 9 days in the hospital. That first night in the ICU ward I was scared. As per usual, I didn’t show it, but I was scared. My mother knew and she spent the night with me, on a cot at the foot of my bed. I felt calm. I felt safe and calm.

I wish you all a mother that makes you feel calm.

I hated school. And I loved school. It depended on the day. But boy was I a slacker. Not thru my own fault. We know now that I am wicked ADD, but back then all we knew is that I didn’t do the work no matter what. I started to feel stupid. Then my mom started watching me. Making me do my homework. She became my medication. She knew I was smart and she made sure I knew that I was smart. She made me angry constantly hovering, we fought all the time about it. But in the end, she did what was best for me and she made me feel smart. I felt safe, and not so calm but smart.

I wish you all a mother that pushes you to feel smarter.

My mother brought me to church. She brought me to Sunday school. She taught me how to treat people. She yelled at me when I did something wrong, when I hurt someone’s feelings. I was seven the first time I learned the power of words. I yelled at my mother and told her I hated her. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. The next day she still wouldn’t talk to me. I finally apologized, but she wouldn’t accept it and I couldn’t understand why. Then she told me that she wasn’t mad that I yelled, she was upset that I hated her. I immediately told her that I loved her. I didn’t know that power of words. I learned. She forgave me. And I became a better person. I felt safe and calm and smart and better.

I wish you all a mother that makes you a better person.
I know you are all waiting for the story that demonstrates my mother’s love. But I don’t have one. ..All my stories. …All my memories… All my life demonstrates my mother’s love. She has never NOT loved me and I have NEVER not felt her love. When I am with her,…when I go to her and need her, - I feel safe. And I feel calm. And I feel smart and I become a better person. And I always, always feel loved.

I promised you a new challenge. So, here you go.

I’m feeling much better and so I decided to give you some good, clean distracting fun. Since my last challenge question proved to me, without a doubt, that all of you know me very well, I thought it time that you learned more about each other. On that note, I have compiled a list of questions for you to answer, about yourselves. Take your time. Think them through. I want to be able to read these over at my next chemo. Sooo, let’s say the due date is Monday.

What was the last movie you saw?
What is your favorite movie of all time?
What is your favorite or most memorable scene or line from a movie?
What was the last book you read?
Who is your favorite author and why?
Where were you born?
Where did you go for your last vacation?
Where would your dream vacation be?
What is your favorite food?
What food do you hate?
What is your favorite TV show?
If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?
If you had to sing a karaoke song, what would it be?
What was your first job?
What was the best compliment you have ever received?
What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
What is your favorite thing to do on a sunny day?
What was your favorite childhood snack or candy?
If your CD player only played one song, what would it be?
What is one thing that you would really like to learn how to do?
If you could go back in time to any era, what date would you choose?

I know. There are a lot of questions there. But they are pretty simple. I’m going back to bed now. Maybe, if you’re all lucky, I’ll spend some time writing up a nice long post tomorrow. In the meantime, fill this out, and don’t forget about the Relay for Life link. Oh, and comments. I want comments. Hmmm…yeah. That’s it. You can go now. -Elizabeth

Put me out of my misery.

I’m serious. Someone…anyone. Shoot me. I’m so nauseous. Just make it stop.

Ok. Real quick. Since I can’t sleep anyway. Here are the awards from the “If I ruled the world” challenge question.

Awards for:
Best Title: Janette – To others: Supreme Ruler; To your family: PITA
Best capital name: Jacque - Renamed monthly by the new beach you are at.
Worst capital name: Mom – “Milanaria” [sorry mom, but this sounds like a disease]
Number of Slaves: Katrina – silly people…if you’re still reading this blog, you already are one
Planets to be subjugated: David - Why bother when you've already subjugated Earth? (Leave the other barren planets to others)
Number of Cars: Carolyn – “Plenty, but no inspection stickers”
Number of Jets in my personal fleet: Manny - No jets until you master parallel parking
Correct catch phrase: Katrina and Janette – “It’s all about me!”
Most accurate catchphrase: Marta – “I will rule when my TV show ends. Just give me a minute and play nicely until than”
Catchphrase that made me laugh out loud: Chuck – “You, no the other one…yes, you…dance, monkey, dance.”
Honorable mention - Erica – Post comments, people!
Least likely catchphrase: Florida Fitz’s – I rule for all that is good.
Best Theme Scenario: Amy – Margarita World
OVERALL Best Scenario: Mine, of course!

Ok. I’m going to try to lie down without hurling. Later - Elizabeth

Bleh. Chemo Hangover.

This is going to be short. I'm feeling out of sorts. On the upside, I finally managed to sleep. Like all of yesterday. And then a nap at 5. I woke up in time for CSI and then back to bed. I'm feeling more rested, but I'm still a little on the bleh side.
So,...
1. All challenge answers are due today. Although, I did get a pretty good turn out already. I'm glad you guys have the spare time to humor me. For those who haven't checked-in in awhile...look back, like three or four posts.
2. My turtle, Phil, is doing fine. We have discovered that he does not like ants. However, he does enjoy stalking the squirmy little things in the pond water. It's actually cute to watch.
3. My family is heading to Jersey to see my sister's boyfriend's brother in a musical. I, however, do not get to go. (The whole aching bones thing...not so much for the long car rides.) However, Paul does get a shout-out. I'm sure you'll do great. Break a leg.
4. Erica there is no mehhing on the site. Have fun on the cruise.
5. Just a reminder about the Relay for Life link on the side of my blog. If you want to make a donation to the American Cancer Society you can do it there...and I get the credit. Tee Hee.

That's it I think. More to come later. -Elizabeth

Busy day, and I still can't sleep.

First, as per yesterday's promise, a new picture for you all.











Onto today's events. As per usual, I found it difficult to sleep last night. While I was completely exhausted, the chemo cocktail pretty much prevented me from getting decent nights sleep. At about 3:30AM I finally went and got myself a second sleeping pill. I then went out on the deck for a half hour. The stars were only partially visible, but it was still pleasant. After about five minutes of sitting in silence I finally started talking to myself. Or, should anyone have happened upon me at the moment, that is what I appeared to be doing. Instead I started having a conversation with God. (Don't give me those looks. You all should realize by now that I am religious. And don’t worry, he wasn’t answering back. No psychosis here.) I sort of just talked through a whole bunch of things. Most of which had little impact on my life upon waking up later this morning, but it still felt good to just talk things out. Maybe I’ll come back to this later.
This morning I was awoken at 8:30 by Mom bringing me an English muffin, a glass of milk and my morning dose of prednisone and other fun drugs. (Nasty stuff) I would have gone back to bed until noon, like usual, but not only was I not sleepy (weird considering I had only had 4 ½ hours of sleep) but I was also headed off to Austin Road Elementary for a walk through of my nephews “Dinosaur Museum.”
Matthew’s teacher, Mrs. Daul, has been my mother’s friend forever, and her daughters and Erica and I practically all grew up together. (How are you doing, Susie?) She and Mr. Daul (I still can’t call them Marilyn and Bruce) came over to the house a few nights ago for dinner. She reminded us about the museum, and we made plans to see it. Then, I got even better news than an educational outing to my alma mater. Mrs. Daul had baby turtles. She gave one to Susie, and she was going to give one to me! I finally get a pet. Yeah me!

Sorry for the side track. My sleeping meds are yelling at the prednisone and they can’t seem to decide if I’m tired or wired. (ha. Tired or wired. Ha ha….(awkward pause)..yeah…sorry)

Anyway, Mom, Dad and I made our way to the “Dinosaur Museum” at around 9:30. The second graders did a great job. They have to get shout-outs. They really knew their stuff. My friend Amy’s daughter, Susannah, was one of the presenters and she did an excellent job. And my Matt was awesome. I also learned that there are a lot of new dinosaurs out there. I don’t remember any of them from when I was in school. Of course Matt ended up having the Velociraptor. That’s my godson. Picking the highly intelligent killing machine. I’m so proud. He takes after me more and more. (Even down to his slightly klutzy tendencies. Remind me to tell you about the time he fell down a mountain.)
After completing our tour through the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods of the Earth’s history, I finally got to meet my turtle. He is adorable. Very tiny. Not so much with the coordination, but he’s learning. As I contemplated aloud what I should name him, Mrs. Daul informed me that Matt had already christened him. So, I went to ask Matt what he named my turtle. This is where you really see the similarities between godmother and godson. He named my turtle…Phil. That’s right. Phil. Not Pokey, or Shell or a dozen other silly little kid names for a small baby turtle. No, my turtle’s name is Phil. It’s perfect.
I had been walking around for awhile at this point and I had very little energy to spare, but as I made my way out of the classroom, I was swarmed by small children wanting to see the turtle and asking if they could pick it up. Now, normally, this wouldn’t be I problem. I am going to be a teacher after all. But I was really pushing it as far as remaining upright. Then Matt did something that I don’t think I will ever forget. My nephew came to my defense. He pushed the kids out of my way and said, “That’s my Aunt Liz and that’s her turtle and she needs to go home now.” I almost cried. For the longest time I was so worried about how my nephews would react to my having cancer. How would they take the fact that I was sick, …that I was bald and had to wear scarves? I never once thought that they would do or say something hurtful to me. But to hear Matt come out and say “That’s MY aunt Liz”. I just got choked up. There was no embarrassment at all. In fact the only thing I heard in Matt’s voice was pride that I was his Aunt, and annoyance that the other kids wouldn’t leave me alone. Can you tell how much I need sleep yet? I’m getting sentimental and mushy. Back to the story.
Once home, I found a suitable bowl for Phil. (Marta I stole one of the centerpieces from the wedding reception. Hope you don’t mind.) I put in some pond water and rocks. And then let Phil get adjusted to his new home. I think he likes it.
Shortly after that I made a trip down to Amy’s. I have come to think of it as my post chemo decompression. I head to Amy’s, give her all the details of my chemo, talk over all the recent issues I have been having, and let her reassure me that I am not insane. All the while she fixes me lunch, and I help her with her computer, or digital camera or children. Whichever happens to be giving her a hard time at the moment. I spent a few hours with her and then had to head to Westchester for my Nuelasta shot. It hurt like hell, then my bones ached. You’ve heard all this before.
When I got home Chuck (brother-in-law) was at the house. He was waiting for Steve (other-brother-in-law). I’m still not sure what was going on there. Something about Steve having a rental while his car was being fixed, and Chuck and he going to move stuff from the Lake Secor house. I really don’t know. I wasn’t actually paying attention. Chuck joined us for dinner, and then Steve arrived. (Somehow that boy managed to come back from the Bahamas just as pasty white as he was before he left. I’ll never understand it.)
After dinner I attempted to get my VCR to tape. My new TV addiction is “House”. It’s a doctor show and I love it. It’s usually on Tuesdays and doesn’t interfere with my schedule, but this week was a two parter – Tuesday and Wednesday. Now, it was interfering with choir. After spending a good 45 minutes yelling at the VCR, I finally gave up and started making desperate phone calls to friends and family to see who would tivo it for me. I swear, if I hadn’t have reached John (yet-another-brother-in-law) and he agreed to tape it, I probably would have skipped choir. Luckily, John and nephew Zach saved my butt.
Right before choir, Chuck and I went to the Goodwill store. Chuck, who is the cook in the Fitzpatrick household, is jonesing for a cast iron skillet and Dutch oven. He happened to see one, but hesitate to buy it because he wasn’t sure what the condition of it was. Sooo, he dragged me along for my expertise. Unfortunately, he waited to long and his skillet was gone. We checked out Homegoods as well, but no such luck.
After our brief shopping expedition, we went to choir. Not much there. We’re working on songs for the concert. I’d say that I want you all to come, because Katrina and our friend, Stacy are doing a duet from Vivaldi’s Gloria. (One of my favorite pieces of music.) And their voices are incredible. (I have always secretly envied Katrina’s voice. How I wished I could be an alto) However, if you came to hear that, you would also have to hear me screech my way through my piece, so on second thought…forget I said anything.
After choir I ran over to Carol’s and caught the tail end of American Idol with her and John. Then Carol and I watched House. I was trying to make a bet with her on the outcome, but she had insider information in the form of a certain nephew. (Honestly, I could make a ton of money off of betting on the outcomes of TV shows. It’s a science you know.) I came home right after the show was over, and then checked my blog. Debated with myself about whether or not to update, and then decided that since I couldn’t sleep anyway, I might as well.
So, where does that leave me, now? I’m tired. I most definitely need sleep. But I feel a sort of odd obligation to go back and revisit my original thoughts for the evening. (It’s weird how introspective I get late at night…or maybe that’s just the drugs.)
As I was saying early. I spent some time having a conversation with God. Some things I won’t share, because they are personal. Yet others, …I just think that they are important to put out there. I have gotten several comments on the blog telling me how brave and courageous I am. I’m not. I’m just really selfish. If I’m going through this, and I have no choice in that matter, then I’m taking you all with me. So. You get to be part of all the neurosis that comes with this. The first being…fear. I know. I have gotten the good news and I know I’m going to be fine. …So…why do I keep feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?
It’s stupid really. I have this wonderful news and I still have this feeling that it’s not over yet. And I’m not talking about the chemo. I don’t know if I’m just paranoid, or if after the fifty billion doctors I’ve been to, I just can’t accept good news. Or if I really am the pessimist that I pretend to be on this blog. (Yes people. It’s an act. I really am just an optimist with a twisted sense of humor, a tendency towards the ridiculous and a sarcastic snarkiness to most of my writings. The cat is out of the bag.) Amy says it’s normal. She still finds herself checking her body for lumps. I think that must be the real problem. Cancer is insidious. It can hide inside you for a long time with out you having any idea. Its symptoms can present as any number of other ailments. And by the time you catch on, it’s already taken hold.
I have scars. All over my body. My cancer first presented as a deep skin itch. I went to three different dermatologist over the course of …I don’t know how many months…10? I had so many different diagnoses. And yet none of the medications did a damn thing for the fact that I had the constant urge to scratch my flesh off. (You guys really need to stop listening to me. Honestly, people. Who wants to hear this stuff? What’s wrong with you?) The final consensus came back that it was an OCD. It was all in my head. A nervous/stress habit. They sent me to a shrink to discuss my “issues”. Don’t get me wrong. I have issues. But I really didn’t think they were manifesting as self mutilation.
Do you know how relieved I was to find out I had cancer? How is that for a twisted reaction? I’m not crazy. I really am sick. And now, that I no longer itch, that my skin has no new sores, …now that I am healing… NOW I start having doubts about my recovery? What is wrong with me?
I hope none of you ever have to go through this. It’s horrible. Not the chemo or even the cancer itself. The horror comes in not being able to trust your own body anymore. When we don’t like something or it makes us uncomfortable, we push it away and try to eliminate it from our lives. It’s human nature. But, how do I distance myself from me?
That’s what it is. For all of you who want to get the inside scoop on cancer. For everyone living this with me. This is what it comes down to - a betrayal of the body. And I don’t know how long it will take for it to earn back my trust.

Ok…(awkward pause).
That was a little emotional. (another pause)
On the upside it was so emotionally draining, that I’m finally ready to sleep. Sorry for dumping on you, but honestly people you can’t expect me to not abuse the power of the blog. It’s my outlet. Although interestingly enough, knowing that this will be read…makes me more honest in my own writings. So technically, the power of the blog belongs to you.
(This is actually just a sneaky way of asking for feedback.)
Later - Elizabeth

Four down - Two to go

First off, without further ado. The catapult reclining chair.












Now, that that is finally out of the way, (and only two weeks late) we can move onto today’s chemo. We were running a little late. Mom and I, at Janette’s prompting last chemo, realized that we had been sorely neglecting the chemo nursing staff. So, this week, to remedy the situation, we decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts and pick them up some goodies. We even left enough time for it. What we didn’t leave enough time for was the debate about what car we were taking.
Usually, we don’t take my car because after my chemo I am in NO shape to drive (and I don’t want mom getting used to driving my car.) However, this week, Dad decided that he needed to take the van in for maintenance. Which is fine, really. I’m all for safe vehicles. Especially if someone else is doing the work. But I know my father. He hadn’t even called for an appointment. He tends to …forget things. (What? You thought my ADD was from my mother?) So, we spent a few extra minutes trying to ascertain if he really was going to take the van in.
After insisting he was, Mom decided that we would take my car…. The car that I get to drive all of 3 times a month…. The car, that hasn’t needed gas in over a month… That car. She said there was plenty of gas, I wasn’t sure. But hey, if we got stuck on the side of the road half way to chemo, who was I to argue. As it turns out, we had plenty of gas to get there and back. (This proves nothing. The light did go on and I’m sure we were running on fumes) But that is all besides the point. I got to drive to chemo. Not much of an accomplishment to you but it’s the longest drive I’ve made in 2 months.
We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and picked up some munchkins, even though it was the consensus among Mom, Katrina and myself that you tend to eat more munchkins then if you had had one donut. But we thought the nursing staff might like to pick at them through-out the day. And it was true. So much so that Betsy (chemo nurse) yelled at us for bringing them. Fine. Next time she gets carrots and celery. Especially since our late arrival cost us the “special room”.
Much to my excitement, my port worked this week. Whatever flap or blockage that was there last chemo must have corrected itself because they were able to take blood. (I didn’t mention to Betsy that I spent the better part of the last week forceful tapping on the damn thing in the hopes of fixing it. I’m pretty sure this is not an AMA approved method.) Whatever the reason, the flush solution went in and blood came out. My counts were once again fine, and we were on to the chemo.
For once, there were absolutely NO problems with my chemo. This was about as smooth sailing as you could get. Mom and Katrina managed to hold onto their seats with out getting kicked out by chemo patients. Although Mom did have to have a chair brought over and then sat in the corner behind me. The nurses kept wandering by and asking what she did wrong, or where her dunce cap was. (Gives an evil little “Tee Hee”) In fact, there were several times that I forgot that she was there. Then, when Katrina and I would start to laugh too loud about something, she would remind us to use our “library voices”. I then had to point out that, in order for her to tell us that, she had to make herself heard over Betsy’s yelling. We were hardly the loudest ones there.
Just so you don’t all think that Mom was bored in her corner, she got to help out the nurses today. Mostly because she was sitting in front of their supply cabinet and they constantly had to ask her for certain items with in her reach. I think she got a real kick out of it.
While Mom played nurse, Katrina and I worked on our entries to the “World Domination” challenge that I posted. I think they came out well. Check back one post and see in the comments section. I also got a response from Marta, the Florida Fitz’s, Jeanette and 2 anonymous. (Although pretty sure one of them came from the Texas contingent) Ohhh. And I just checked back, there are more. Carolyn and Manny checked in. I love it! TV and movie references everywhere. You guys have been paying attention. Carolyn – after the success of this challenge, I will most likely be posting more to aid in any future procrastination you may require. And Manny – first off, I am a very good driver (stop laughing) It’s everyone else that has issues behind the wheel. Although, you make a valid point with “Generalissima”. I guess that would also require a change from “Emperor” to “Empress” in the options. I was honestly half asleep when I wrote it, so it kind of just got copied out of the book, as was.
Ohhh! One cool new thing happened in chemo today. Can you say “Peripheral Neuropathy” – a temporary numbness and tingling in the fingers and toes. It’s actually a kind of cool side effect, once you realize that’s what’s going on. Until that point I had tried to figure out exactly how one’s toes fall asleep. Another new side effect, which made a small appearance last time, and a much more pronounced appearance this time, is a tingling and pressure in my nose and sinus cavity. Imagine feeling like you have to sneeze, except ten time worse and sneezing doesn’t help. Yeah. That one’s not so fun. That really was it, as far as chemo reactions. I’m a little weak, now. (Katrina had to drive the car home) But besides that and the Chemo hangover, I’m fine.
It was really fun having Katrina with me, today. She kept trying to be all grown up and correct papers (She’s a teacher. Remember?) but in the end, my evil Will overtook her and she and I spent several hours perfecting our plans for my world domination. Then we started flipping through the book for new ideas.
Because Mom and I were semi-Okay with this round of chemo, Kat sort of took everything in stride. She only jumped a little at the beeping. Have I told you guys about the beeping?
(Think, think, think) Sorry, I was channeling Pooh Bear.
I don’t think I have. The IV stands have a box on them that allows them to regulate my doses while giving my up to 5 different medicines at once. I never have more than 3 running at a time, but it’s still a pretty cool contraption. Anyway, when the dose needs to be changed or a bag is empty, the machine “beeps”. Not that this is startling in and of itself, but now picture a room with 15 to 20 chemo patients. It’s confusing enough trying to find the right beep when just one goes off,… but two… or even three at a time? The nurses have their hands full. Katrina and I joked about the nurse swapping out the wrong bags because she couldn’t tell who was beeping. Or even worse, giving someone the wrong shot. (Those needles are scary enough. Don’t need any extras.) So, after we got home and Kat and I posted our “World Domination” scenarios, I spent the rest of the day working on the new picture stemming from this concept. You can see it tomorrow.
That’s pretty much it, and the meds are kicking in. It is, most definitely, bed time.
I’ll remind you all again about the Relay For Life link on the blog.
And if you have any more submissions for the challenge, they are due Friday. You can submit two if you like. Also would the anonymous entries identify themselves. I can’t give you kudos if I don’t know who you are. I’ll be looking them over this weekend, then posting the results and a new challenge on Sunday or Monday.
That’s it. -Elizabeth

If I ruled the world.

So, I know it has been awhile since my last post. My only excuse is the killer headache that I have been fighting for about a week. I will, however, work on a post at chemo today. And maybe some pictures. In the mean time, I thought I would give you some interactive fun.
I got a book from my friend Diane and it has all these crazy, fun things to do. Random, interesting and sometimes illegal things. One for each day of the year. Today's is "World Domination Day" - Make your plans in advance, in case you need them. Soooo, I am going to test you all. Fill out the following form, and tell me what it would be like if "I ruled the world." Remember, this is not about you. It's about me. Besides, this will give me something to read when I get home. Maybe I'll give out awards for the best answer.
You should be able to just copy and paste the form.

What is my title: Emperor __ Supreme Ruler__ Generalissimo__ Other________
Site of my world capital: Paris__ Washington__ Beijing__ Other_______
Capital to be renamed after: Me___ My mother____ My Pet_____ Other________
Enemies to be liquidated: ________
Friends to be promoted:___________
Countries to be abolished:__________
Planets to be subjugated:____________
Number of slaves:___________
Number of cars:______________
Number of jets in my personal fleet: __________
Catchphrase: I rule for no one (but me) __ An Iron fist in an iron glove __ Kill first, torture later ___ Other:______

Keep in mind, I didn't come up with the questions. The're from a book. Have fun. Take as much time as you need. I'll set a deadline of Friday.
Fill you in on the chemo later. -Elizabeth

PS: I have added a link to my Relay For Life page. It's on the right. Under the "All about me" section. Good. Look down, down ...right there. Under google news. If your interested, you could help me out by donating. It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks - Liz