Yeah, ok. I'm back.

I had a great holiday and decided to take a break from my blogging. I know. Quit rolling you eyes. I'm always taking breaks from my blogging. But, ...once again I am forced to remind myself that this is my blog. It's for my feelings. So,
Christmas was wonderful and hectic and fantastic and filled with so much family I've lost count. However, there were some distincitve points that had me thinking.
All sorts of horrible bad thoughts. Things that in all honesty I didn’t particularly feel like sharing. At least not until I had sorted them out a bit more in my mind. I’m still not sure if I ‘m ready to post most of them. But lets just go with, I never thought at 28 I would have to think about the possibility of my own death.
Don’t give me that look. I’m not over reacting. I just think the last time I went through the chemo I was under reacting.

When we first knew it was cancer I was numb. There was terror and numbness. Then I did research and discovered that my cancer, in the grand scheme of cancers, wasn’t so much a bad one. It was easily treatable with a very good success/cure rate. Then suddenly it’s back. And now all of the rates have changed. How do I even begin to contemplate what happens if this doesn’t work, when I’m still trying to get past the fact that the treatment can kill me.

Why you ask am I feeling so very insecure, when I’m usually up beat, ..well. that one took me awhile to. At first I just thought it was just a normal reaction to finding out your cancer is back. However, an interesting thing happened as soon as new years was over. I started to feel better. Christmas was fine and all the celebrating was wonderful. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, what would it be like if I wasn’t here? I know. Morbid. But you people ask to hear this stuff. Don’t believe me, check the comments to the last post.

I think that there is something about the holidays that just makes people extra emotional. So, since I wasn’t feeling particularly upbeat my emotions intisfied in the opposite direction. Luckily my family has so many things planned over the holidays, that there is very little time for thinking much less true self reflection.

There are some other things I’m still wrapping my head around. I’ll post those when I’m ready. But, for now, on to the fun stuff. A little birdie told me that the my blogs were not nearly as fun as they used to be. So, here is the challenge question that was promised. I want to take a small vacation. 3 or 4 days tops, before I go into the hospital, which will probably be some time in February. Now, I have no money, and I don't know what the dates will be yet. But I would appreciate suggestions. Where should I go, and what should I do? I think there should be real suggestions in there, but fun (if-elizabeth-had-all-the-money-in-the-world-and-a-very-fast-plane) suggestions are welcome.

Finally, I have one last fun image to share with you. I have received many gifts over the past few months. Most of them of the religiouis kind. I have angels and saints and even a set of rosary beads (blessed by the new pope no less.) I have everything set up, shrine like, on the only large flat surface in my room. The bar. If that doesn’t wrap me up in a nut shell.

Anyway, I’m off for a PET scan today. And then a consult with Dr.Ahmed to discuss the next steps. Keep me in your thoughts and I’ll let you know how it goes. Oh, and Carol? You know I was just waiting for you. (tee hee)
-Elizabeth